Introducing myself

To those of you who don't know who I am:

My name is Leafydebater and I write for newsvine.com. I made this blog for two reasons: 1. to store my written articles (most of them are satire) because I have far too many other things going on and it's nice to build up a portfolio for after college, and 2. to work around the barrier between newsvine's subdomain system and Adsense's sign-up requirements... but that's a secondary concern since it's only $20 per month (it's good gas money though).

Don't take any post with a grain of salt unless it's clear that the post is strictly informational from the beginning- if it looks questionable, it's satire.

Find all of these and more at the #3 Newsvine.com column: leafydebater.newsvine.com!!!

Lindsay Lohan Changes Her Legal Address to "Jail"

LOS ANGELES: Insiders have reported that earlier today, a district judge ordered Lindsay Lohan to change her legal mailing address to the jail she has been locked up on and off in, pending her being sent back there for another stay.

Immediately after ordering Lohan to appear in court for a probation violation from her accident- and alleged perjury- last year, the judge requested that, "Because Ms. Lohan will have spent more than six months of the calendar year in jail, she change her address to the penitentiary."

Lohan is expected to serve a few more months if she is charged with lying to the officers on duty who responded to the scene where she crashed her Porsche. 

The crash was another setback for the former star, whose last stay was for theft a few years ago, and whose movie, "Liz and Dick", was a critical catastrophe and slumped at the box office.

Michelle Obama gets into Argument at Whole Foods

WASHINGTON: Several witnesses have reported that Michelle Obama, the First Lady of the United States, got into a heated verbal argument with another customer at Whole Foods earlier today.

While many think it would be impossible for the First Lady to go anywhere "normal" during her daily routine, one of her aides explained, it isn't unusual for her to go on brief outings, provided she has a nearby security detail.

"Ms. Obama enjoys shopping for the family one or two times a week, as well as taking short walks to the park by herself or with a few agents. With a simple disguise, she is unrecognizable until you stand right in front of her."

While her outings are usually low-key and kept relatively secret, today's took an entirely different route when she was angered by another woman, shopping with her son.

The First Lady noticed the woman buying some regular potato chips for her child, and approached the woman, suggesting to her that she should spend her money on healthy fruits and vegetables for her family, instead of, "Chemical-filled junk."

When the woman refused, Ms. Obama then tried to convince her to buy the low-sodium or low-fat varieties, and when the woman resisted, she began shouting at her, saying that the woman's choices were going to have consequences on her son's health later in life, and that she should be more focused on being a role model, rather than giving in to her son's demands.

"The son looked completely healthy." one witness said.

After the woman began to shout at Mrs. Obama, security intervened, and escorted the First Lady out of the store.

Joyce Welchinton, a regular customer at Whole Foods, observed that there was a good amount of fruits and vegetables in the cart. She added, "I support the hard work and energy that Mrs. Obama has put into the last four years of promoting kids' health, but I don't see the damage that one bag of chips will do. A little junk every once in a while won't hurt."

It's official: Palin files for 2016 Presidential Campaign

SOMEWHERE IN THE WILDERNESS: Despite Obama still having another 4 years in the White House, the 2016 campaign field has just gotten a bit clearer, thanks to Sarah Palin, who earlier today filed with the tax office in Anchorage to begin a run for President of the United States in 2016 on her second try.

According to sources, Palin had been spotted outside the US embassy in Ottawa, Canada a few hours before, trying to file for a presidential campaign there. She had also been taking a look at properties on the market for her campaign headquarters until she was informed of the mix-up by an official at the embassy.

When we caught up with her in Anchorage, she wasted no time in outlining her platform.

"I want to make sure America returns to traditional, god-given values by making gay marriage and abortions illegal through amendments to our Declaration of Constitution. I want to pressure Russia and Iraq into halting their nuclear weapons program. I also want to fix our economy. I want to open Alaska to further oil drilling. And, I want to tell all those countries to make peace with Israel.

We asked her to name the first country she'd go after first in negotiating with Israel. Palin replied:

"I think there are lots of countries we should go after. Stop asking me those gotcha questions!"

Expect to see a lot more Sarah Palin in the next four years, especially when the primaries really begin to heat up. In other 2016 news, Nate Silver has predicted that the Republicans will gain control of the Senate and retain a 1-seat majority in the house, and Tim Kaine will win the Presidency by a wide margin of votes.

Onion Employee Screws Up, Publishes Real News

CHICAGO: The Onion, a satirical news corporation founded in 1988, published an apology letter from the editor after reports surfaced that an employee had mistakenly written a real news report and had it featured on the website.

The employee, Wu Psee, a Chinese immigrant, had been hired a few days before. This article was supposed to be his first big post-training assignment. The former People's Daily columnist had spent hours writing and editing a report on the increasingly powerful Chinese military and its impact on the Asia-Pacific region. To celebrate the milestone, his superiors gave it a featured position on the site without checking its content beforehand. The error was caught 23 minutes later, after it had been viewed by thousands.

"We sincerely apologize for our oversight earlier today", the letter stated, "The Onion and its affiliates aims to differentiate itself from the large media networks and provide only humorous, satirical reports."

The letter was later lambasted for being too serious in tone.

Readers who fell for the real headline were shocked and dismayed by the blunder. "I can't believe The Onion would do something like this. I go to the site every day and read a few articles to begin my day on a good note, but this morning I was confronted with... that." said a disgusted Thomas Thatcher of Deerfield, NH.

Mike Bennington, a graduate student at Boston University, was less harsh: "A mistake is a mistake, but that was a big one."

Mr. Psee will not face any consequences due to his inexperience.

Still, many, like Bennington, wonder, "How did he not know he was writing for a site likeThe Onion?"

Donald Trump Confirms He'll Partially Fund Construction of Death Star

NEW YORK: In an open letter penned to the Obama Administration in response to their rejection of a petition to construct a Death Star by 2016 a few days ago, Donald Trump announced that he will partially fund the $850,000,000,000,000,000 project.

Trump made headlines recently with his demands that Obama release his birth records and college transcripts, though his antics earned him a warning letter from NBC, the network that hosts his hit show, The Celebrity Apprentice.

The original petition called for the construction to commence immediately, citing the amount of jobs that the project would generate, as well as the potential for the US to achieve superiority in the space defense race. The Administration firmly rejected it, citing the ongoing deficit reduction efforts and the cost that it would take to build the Death Star, the lack of support for blowing up planets by the Administration, and the fatal flaw of the Death Star that makes the whole project unappealing for National Defense, as shown in theStar Wars saga.

In his letter, Trump said that, "Space superiority should be this country's number one priority. Until we reach that point, we open the doors for Communist countries like Russia and China to construct their own Death Stars and close off access to Outer Space by the West."

Trump also stated that, "I will personally fund $10,000,000 to get the project started. I will also donate $5,000,000 more after other private investors exceed this donation amount by 10 times. The rest of the project will be funded by other private donations and exploitation of weak, resource-rich countries."

In return, Trump says that he expects to receive a VIP suite near the command center of the ship, his own personal landing station, and full control of the only on-board TV network.

A short essay on the true purpose of the internet- received an A+ for this

Prompt: What is the true purpose of the World Wide Web? Use the data sets provided to support your thesis.

I cannot comment as to life before 1993, as I was not even an idea during the internet's first few years of life. I hear tales of stone tools, makeshift communities, knights on horseback, and people setting sail in massive wooden ships, yearning for new lands and peoples. All of these are mere rumors to me, but sure, they must have some merit.

It was a simple time to live, I hear. There was no privacy-stealing Facebook, no troll-cave 4chan, and- wait for it- no intelligent, left-leaning Newsvine. Therefore it must have been a shock for the residents of this country and this globe when, two years later, they put down their spears and picked up their trackball-operated mice and began what we now call the World Wide Web (WWW).

The WWW changed the way the world operated, creating new tools for governments, corporations, and citizens alike. For the first time in history, communication between any two points on earth was instantaneous. Individuals could form connections with others from separate cultures, speaking different languages, without ever meeting face to face. And life in general became faster and faster paced. No longer was a day counted in hours, or minutes, but seconds and fractions of seconds.

The original intent of the internet was to create a way for scientists to share collected data with one another from multiple locations. The intent evolved when ordinary civilians were first granted access to this new platform, and thus it became a giant bulletin board for all to express their views publicly. Given a bit more time, code, and structure, and you had a primitive form of what we use today. The intent of such form was to connect individuals to each other virtually and instantaneously through chats, e-mail, and forum discussions.

The intent of the internet was not to re-create everyday life, nor replace it. However as the years have passed it has done exactly that. It has become a second life for us, considered a necessity by some nations and groups of people, alongside food, water, and shelter. Teenagers cannot go an hour without their phones, workers check facebook when no one is watching, and young children now incorporate it into their daily lives, with games and learning websites.

However, the intent and true purpose of the internet is still not to replace everyday life, nor is it to form an interconnected planet. Upon examination of the data sets [below], a theory can be formed about the true purpose of today's World Wide Web.

(For Newsvine purposes only, a short summary of data sets)

Data set A: Connectivity of our planet. In plain english, beginning at one random individual, the minimum number of relationships you would have to cross to reach any other random individual.

Data set B: DJIA closing numbers, 1992-2012

Data set C: Average time on internet, chart breakdown by country

Data set D: Global conflict map, 1992-2012

Data set E: Top 10 websites by traffic each year, 1992-2012

Data set F: Median income of US, 15 European nations, Canada, China, Argentina, Russia, South Korea, and Japan, 1992-present

The examination of all data sets leads to a conclusion that the internet's true purpose can be broken down into three different segments:

1. Promoting the public display of videos of domesticated members of the feline species using mind-control and voodoo to gain power over the human race, also known as "cheezburgers" (Data set C)

2. The examination and media coverage of idiotic tweets made by celebrities and politicians. (Data set D)

3. Recording the accelerating regression of the human race through a revolving door of embarrassing internet memes (Data set E)

Now we can examine how the data sets support this theory:

1. Promoting the public display of domesticated felines: To give a short history, several thousand years ago members of the small, domesticated feline race began showing signs of intelligence along the Nile River, quickly surpassing human abilities in mental stages of development. Their most brilliant minds found themselves in the company of the Pharaoh, where they practiced voodoo and other forms of magic in order to get humans to obey them, take care of them, and paint inaccurate pictures of them on their final resting places. This practice was contained, silenced, and ultimately forgotten about due to the lack of publicity that felines received. The invention and popularity of the internet, however, allowed for felines to gain the exposure they had long lacked. According to data set C, the average time on the internet increased exponentially from 1992 to 2010, then increased slightly from 2010 to 2012. The breakdown shows that time spent using email and other social networking sites did not increase at the same rate as the overall use, leaving a gap. If we allow for news-reading and... other activities, the gap closes slightly but remains. The only task that internet users perform regularly but is not included so far is cat video-watching. Using this to fill the data set shows that the average time spent watching cat videos has increased regularly from 1997-2012.

2. Coverage of idiotic celebrity tweets: One of the many positive consequences of the rise of the World Wide Web is an individual's ability to acquire large amounts of data with relatively little trouble. Using Twitter's tracking platform, we are able to see many controversial tweets by public figures since the launch of the website. Comparing that data to Data set D shows that many global conflicts align with said tweets. A conclusion can then be derived from the data that suicide bombers in Yemen do not blow themselves up because of their faith or jihad, but because Donald Trump questioned the authenticity of Barack Obama's birth certificate yet again.

3. Recording the regression of the human race: Humans were once incredibly intelligent as a population, with rapid advances in science, astronomy, medicine, technology, and more. Since the rise of the internet, its negative impact on the evolution of the human race has been staggering. Humans once moved from modern invention to modern invention. With the internet, that trend was reversed, and currently humans move from stupid internet meme to stupid internet meme. Planking, owling, batmaning, coning, milking, Tebowing, Bradying, "Call Me Maybe" dance covers, porting, and the latest craze: The Harlem Shake. With each movement, the number of brain cells required to complete each activity reduces by 22%. The theory that each craze reduces the overall intelligence of our species is supported by Data set E, which shows the annual top websites by traffic. In the beginning, humans visited e-mail, scientific forums, and news sites. That list has changed with newcomers like 9gag, 4chan, Reddit, Facebook, Twitter, and the Tea Party website.

The ultimate purpose of the internet is not for scientific reasons or human evolution. In fact, the effect it brings is exactly the opposite. While it is widely believed that it has become a necessary part of daily life, caution must be taken by people, corporations, and governments to halt the mass suicide of brain cells across the globe. For as long as the internet advances and grows in complexity and size, the memes will continue, the tweets will continue and the cats will ultimately achieve their goal of global domination.

This essay was given the following grades:

4Chan: 98%

Reddit: 97%

Random internet forum: 99%

Overall grade: 98%, A+

Is Google Chrome generating frequent, annoying pop-up ads? Here's a fix!

Beginning a few days ago, my browser, Google Chrome, has been generating frequent, annoying pop-up ads on a random basis. They always appear when I click on something, but it could be a link, a new tab, a photo, some text- anything goes, on any website, even Newsvine. They were usually for games, but they could get a little X-rated occasionally, or they might try to sell me something. Either way, I never wanted what appeared.

Here, most people would say that I downloaded something and it contained some malware, which is usually the cause, but here's the kicker: I haven't downloaded anything in over 3 months. I also have an adblocker and a pop-up blocker. And a firewall/anti-virus scanner.

The last bit of information that I can offer is that ads never appeared in incognito. Ever.

So I am experiencing pop-up ads, what can I do to get rid of them?

Lucky for you, pop-ups are a relatively easy fix, when you compare them to other computer viruses, worms, etc. Pop-ups come in the form of adware, or malware in the advertisement form. They are usually among the least dangerous but most annoying forms of malware. There are two probable locations for the malware to be hidden: on your computer, or on your browser. I'll start with the easier one.

Browser-based malware is what I had. I don't know the official term for it, but the description works: it's malware that hasn't made it onto your PC, which means it's easy to get rid of. Just uninstall and re-install Chrome. Once you add all your settings back in, life will be as if nothing happened- took me about 10 minutes to do all of this, and I have a slow computer.

Computer-based malware (again, not a real term) is what most people wind up having, which can be really easy to fix, or really hard, depending on how deep the malware is embedded. This usually works its way onto your system as a package deal with a download that really is safe and trusted. Hackers are very good at doing that kind of thing.

If you're lucky, the adware will be discovered through a virus scanner- like Norton, McAfee, or AVG. If you have one of  these paid systems, update it and scan your PC. If you don't, I recommend Malwarebytes. It's free and it is probably the most effective anti-virus scanner out there (which is great because, again, it's free).

However sometimes the virus is too deep into your system for a simple scan. If nothing is picked up (and you've already re-installed your browser), run your computer on safe mode and try scanning again. Safe mode scans can be dangerous if your scanner "detects" something that is actually supposed to be there, but you should know what the virus looks like if you own a PC, especially if it has the word "trojan" in it.

If nothing works, you will probably have to get some IT people involved, or try a host of other solutions on the internet. It might be embedded in the registry, which you should never try to fix on your own if you're looking at THIS article for help, since you could easily screw up your computer if you mess with the registry (been there, done that).

These are the methods that I've used in the past and that have worked for me thus far. They've kept my computer running for far longer than it should have worked (5 1/2 years). I am no expert but I hopefully helped in some little way. If it works for me, it usually works for many others.

MA State Representative Introduces Bill to Ban Rain/Snow Dances

LAWRENCE: A Massachusetts State Representative introduced a bill late Friday to ban all rain and snow dances across the state from early November to late April every year.

Rep. Collins of Lawrence introduced the bill as the state buckles down and prepares for its third weekend winter storm in a row, with a fourth potentially on the way next weekend.

But the bill is receiving cool reception from some groups, including local Native American tribes, including one that has performed a snow dance every Wednesday for hundreds of years. The group said that in the past, it made game easier to spot, and while they've given up most hunting, they honor their ancestry with the same dance every week.

Winter Storm Q is expected to dump up to 12 inches of snow on some parts of the state, including Lawrence, and residents have had enough,

"I don't even want to look at my shovel right now." said Mary Atkins, of Groton, MA.

The storm follows Plato last weekend, which brought 4-6 inches, and Nemo, which set the record books and pelted the region with as much as 38 inches of snow.

Academy Awards blamed for suicide blast in Pakistan

ISLAMABAD: A bomb detonated from a suicide bomber's vest killed 7 people and injured 20 more in a marketplace early Monday morning. The Al-Qaeda cell in Pakistan immediately claimed credit, saying that the blast was a response to the Hollywood film,Argo, winning top honors at last night's Academy Awards.

Argo captured the award for Best Picture shortly before midnight ET. The blast was recorded merely 5 hours later.

The film, which follows the Iranian hostage crisis during the Islamic revolution, has angered many in the region and has caused multiple governments to ban its showing within their borders, though cheap pirated films can be found selling on the streets, most notably in Tehran. 

The Al-Qaeda spokesman said that, "Many of our holiest mujadeens expected Lincoln to win the award. When they lost the money they called for a message to be sent to the Americans to choose better films in the future." emphasizing that it was not the film's content that caused the blast.

He added that the terrorist organization, as well as their Taliban counterparts, were "happy" that the film Zero Dark Thirty failed to win an award.

Congress' new reaction to sequester cuts: "Wait, we thought you were joking!"

WASHINGTON: As the reality began to set in under the first few days of the automatic budget cuts (commonly referred to as the "sequester"), many members of congress are beginning to realize that the cuts were not in fact a part of a joke played by the White House and leaders of both parties.

"We thought they were kidding!" said an aide to Senator Tom Harkin (Iowa). "Most members and their aides thought it was a plot to get us to compromise on the deficit debate."

The lower-ranked members of both parties began to suspect a hoax over the last month, as the party leaders increasingly pointed fingers and decreasingly tried to get proposals onto the table.

"No, we didn't accomplish much this past week." said one California representative, "We didn't think that there was anything to fight about. If this was a joke, why should we hurry?"

Their mistake has left many on Capitol Hill scrambling to piece together legislation that would move the cuts to less vital areas of government spending, as well as proposing ways to fix both Medicare and Medicaid, two big black holes in the US budget.

Representatives are also taking a look at the defense cuts, while working with Pentagon officials to have smaller programs shoulder the effects.

"Right now we have a ship sitting in a dock with her crew, not doing anything." said Jim Bluffin, a senior Pentagon official, "That's one thing that needs to be fixed."

Texas lawmakers on verge of passing bill that bans oxygen in public

AUSTIN: Texas state lawmakers are only a few steps away from passing health legislation that includes a clause characterizing the element oxygen (O) as "dangerous".

As part of sweeping health legislation, politicians in the capitol took up debate yesterday, and after 24 hours Republicans, who have the majority, say that they have enough votes in the House and the Senate to put it through to the governor's desk.

As a part of the clause, Oxygen will carry the word "dangerous" in its legal classification and also be placed on the prohibited drug list, at the degree of Level 3.

The law bans Oxygen from being possessed in all public places and consumed anywhere outside the home. It is backed by about 75% of Republicans in both wings, and a few Democrats. However, not every conservative is in support of this law.

"This is stupid." said Shirley Markavov, a state senator, "Most of my colleagues are unaware of this, and that is why they're voting for the bill. It's a tiny clause in a 400-page bill. Whoever put it in is trying to make a joke out of Texas."

Ms. Markavov will bring the matter up at tomorrow's debate.

The law does have other major consequences. It reclassifies marijuana as a Level 2 drug, below its current Level 3. It also boosts the penalty for buying, selling, and otherwise distributing the drug.

Women 2x more likely to get into automobile accidents as men, new study finds

BOSTON: A new study suggests that women are more than twice as likely to crash their cars as men, a scientist says.

The study, published by Leafydebater, was conducted as he made his way to the mall to purchase new shoes. He found that out of 30 crashes he was almost involved in during that single trip, 20 of the other cars were driven by female drivers, while only 10 were driven by male drivers.

"The fact that women don't get out of the way when I cut them off makes it clear that women are clearly the more dangerous drivers on the roads." he said."I cannot believe that such dangerous individuals are still allowed to get behind the wheel."

In an earlier study conducted by him, he found that the results were similar. On his way to buy milk a few days ago, he was nearly involved in 6 accidents. 4 of those cars were driven by women, 2 by men.

"I don't know how much longer our government can continue to ignore this issue. Eventually, someone is going to get hurt. We need to take care of the problem before disaster strikes."

Chaos at Vatican after Purple Smoke rises from Sistine Chapel

VATICAN CITY: Vatican officials were hurrying to contact the cardinals locked inside the Sistine Chapel after purple smoke was seen rising from the stack at about 12:15pm ET.

The smoke stack, which is used to burn the ballots, is supposed to release cartridges that color the smoke black, meaning no pope, or white, meaning that a pope had been elected.

No one was aware that there was also a purple colored cartridge in the mix and are unsure of the meaning behind the color.

"It could be a signal for a variety of things- one cardinal could be in need of medical attention, God could have spoken to the cardinals directly, something could be wrong with the building, or it may have been the result of a mechanical or chemical malfunction." said a Vatican official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, "We are trying to find out as quickly as possible."

Of course, contact isn't the easiest thing to achieve in the conclave. Staff and cardinals are sworn to secrecy, technology jammers have been placed in the chapel, and no communication is supposed to be allowed.

"All we have right now is some oddly-colored smoke and still no pope." the official said.

Another vote was expected at 12:30 ET.

Applying to College FAQ: ACT vs SAT: What should I take? What's the difference?

The information I am providing in this article is from personal experience or by one of the best college counseling offices in the United States.

I have gotten a lot of questions from younger friends who are just beginning their college process about various aspects of the journey. Some of the most frequently asked questions are about standardized testing- more specifically, the ACT and the SAT. What should they take? How are they different? Which one is more important?

Let's begin with some basic information:

Testing:

To begin with, standardized testing is one of the most important parts of your college application. The tests are intended to put all applicants on an even playing field, giving them the same questions in an environment that is virtually impossible to gain an unfair advantage in. 

There are two parts to standardized testing: your SAT or ACT, and your SAT II scores. We'll cover those in a little bit. Unless you're applying test-optional, all four-year colleges in the USA will accept either a SAT score OR an ACT score. They are both counted equally- colleges will not dock you if you submit one or the other. Some do require both, so it's important to check before scheduling your tests.

One of the biggest mistakes an applicant can make is to approach testing with an "Earlier is better" mentality. That is, get the testing done quickly and focus on other things later in the process. This is a BIG no-no. Applicants should not take anything other than the PSAT before the end of their sophomore year, and they should not take the regular SAT or ACT before the spring of their junior year. The reason is this: there is a large amount of time between the fall of a person's sophomore year and the spring of their junior year, and people change during that time. Maybe you get smarter, maybe you get dumber. If you submit a score with a date that the colleges view as too early, the college will count it against you, or they may not accept it at all.

So, ACT vs SAT: What's the difference?

By and far, the biggest difference is what you're being tested on. The SAT tests you on what you know. The ACT tests you on how you learn. To see what I mean by that, read on.

The other major difference is with guessing. If you get a question wrong on the SAT, you're docked 1/4 of a point (leaving a question blank won't affect your score). If you guess on the ACT, your score is not affected. On the SAT, the general rule of thumb is to try to eliminate some obviously wrong answers, then guess if you can narrow it down to 2 or 3 possibilities. If you can't do that, leave the question blank.

The SAT:

The SAT has long been considered the "standard" test for college applicants. It tests you on what you know- in other words, it expects you to know the answers to the questions without any assistance from text, graphs, charts, or other forms of data.

A standard form of a question that you will see is as follows:

BEAUTIFUL most nearly means:

A. Smart

B. Direct

C. Attentive

D. Pretty

E. Homogenous

In the example above, you are expected to know the meaning of beautiful prior to taking the test.

Questions on the SAT are generally harder than the ACT, but you have more time to complete each question. The example above would not appear on the SAT- it's too easy. They'll give you a few freebies, but the majority of the questions will be on words that fewer than 100% of the population uses in their everyday language.

The SAT and ACT have similar math sections, but again, you're given more time to complete harder questions on the SAT.

Studying for this test is fairly straightforward- study vocabulary (and expect to miss one vocab question- there's usually one that's impossible), grammar, and general math through and including Pre-calculus.

There is also an essay component to the SAT, and that's where I made my biggest error. Being the future journalist that I am, I wrote this amazing essay that was written in a similar style to a 60 Minutes piece. BAD BAD BAD!!! The reader only has a minute or two to grade your essay, so write a generic one filled with statements, like "I agree with this position because_______." Remember to take sides in your essay. Don't try to argue both points.

SCORING: The SAT is scored on a 2400 point scale, with a 600 being the lowest score and increasing by 10's after that. To get into a decent 4-year school in the US, you should be aiming to get an 1800 or above to be safely in the "zone" that they're looking for. To get into the most rigorous schools (anything with below a 15% acceptance rate) you'll want to aim for above a 2100- closer to a 2200 if possible.

The ACT:

Your parents probably have not heard of the ACT- it's the newer of the two tests and designed by people who thought that the SAT was a broken system. The ACT tests how you learn- in other words, you're not expected to know the content of the test prior to taking it. An example of a standard English writing question is:

"... so they walked into the barn and searched. looking at the wristband...."

A. "... so they walked into the barn and searched. looking at the wristband...."

B. "... so they walked into the barn and searched. Looking for the wristband...."

C. "... so they walked into the wristband and searched. Looking for the barn...."

D. "... so they walked into the barn and searched, looking for the wristband...."

E. "... so they walked into the barn and searched: looking at the wristband...."

That sentence would have been in the middle of several paragraphs, and that question would have been one of several given to you throughout the passage. You would not have known they were going to choose that particular passage for this test, therefore you are being tested on how quickly you can pick up the clues in the context to answer the question correctly. In this case, the answer is obviously D. One possible answer will always be the current one, accompanied by four slightly edited ones.

As I've said before, questions on the ACT are easier, but you have less time to complete them. That means that you'll likely be left with 5 minutes to go (warnings are given) and 15 questions to complete. This is when the ability to guess is amazing- and where most falter, because eventually, you're going to have to take chances with your answers to keep moving forward. Don't get stuck on one math question- you'll have exactly one minute to complete each, so keep moving forward.

Studying for this test is slightly different- study math the same, but for English, you'll want to focus on grammar, especially the use of punctuation and other nuances, like "who" vs "whom", etc. Don't worry too much about vocab- you won't run into anything difficult, if anything at all. 

The biggest thing to study for is the format of the test. Take practice tests to get used to it, and time yourself accordingly. If you focus on anything, it should be that: getting over the shorter time. I'll repeat myself: memorizing vocabulary words will not help you in the ACT.

The ACT also has a science section, unlike the SAT, and the biggest thing to remember is that YOU SHOULD NEVER STUDY FOR THE SCIENCE SECTION. Again, familiarize yourself with the format. This is where they expect you to know absolutely nothing- they will give you 3-4 graphs and charts and ask you questions that force you to analyze those graphs and charts. Once you understand exactly what they're trying to ask you, the questions become easy.

An example for you: my first ACT science question asked me questions on the reaction times for electrical impulses (twitches) in some obscure muscle on the human thumb. I didn't need to know any equations, nor did I even need to have ever heard about that muscle before (I hadn't). I just needed to be able to read the graphs.

SCORING: The ACT scores 1-36, with a 36 being a perfect score. It is nearly impossible to receive a perfect score on the ACT- the highest I've ever heard someone score has been a 35. The national average is a 21- students looking at any decent 4-year college should aim for a 27, if you're looking at anything below a 20% acceptance rate, having a 31+ should be your goal.

***The ACT offers you the option of taking the test without the writing section. ALWAYS take it WITH writing, even if you've taken the test before. Colleges WILL NOT ACCEPT scores that do not have a writing section included.

The SAT II:

The other test you'll likely need to take will be the SAT II, increasingly, colleges aren't requiring this component, but many still want it included in your application (for the record, none of mine did).

The SAT II is a single-subject SAT test, otherwise known as a "subject test". This is one hour long, and as its name suggests, tests you on one subject. It cannot replace the SAT or the ACT- it's an addition.

You will be able to register for up to 3 in one day, and at 1 hour each, it'll take you, at most, 3 hours.

It's exactly like the SAT in format, but it scores out of 800. Students should aim for a 600, and if you're applying for a college with a sub-20% acceptance rate, you want to aim for 700+.

Colleges generally require two, if any, and one usually has to be a math. There are two math tests, math 1 and math 2. Math one is easier, but colleges will count it against you if you score anything other than near perfect. Getting one question wrong, legend has it, drops your score to a 740 (can't back that one up, just a rumor). Math two is insanely hard for anyone who hasn't taken an advanced (honors) Pre-Calculus or regular Calculus course.

Earlier I recommended that you shouldn't take any subject tests until the June date of your sophomore year, but there are exceptions. For example, my younger sister, currently a sophomore, took the Biology test earlier in the year, after I told her to take it. I did that because she had one of the toughest biology teachers on the planet for her Freshman year- I went through her notebook and tests a few times- and they thoroughly covered Biology back to front and in greater detail than I ever did.

That's your exception- when in a freshman class you're confident enough with the material to get through a SAT subject test- and while she didn't do too well, it was because she was not used to the format, not because she didn't know the material. She is planning to re-take the test later this year, now that she knows what to look and study for.

The best time to take a subject test, if you didn't get this already, is after you've completed the course.

Planning your testing:

I only have one recommendation, and it is this: take both tests in the April/May of your junior year (subjects in June) and see which one you do better on. Re-take that test in the fall of your Senior year, and forget about the other one, unless you need to submit both, otherwise don't waste your time. And it doesn't really matter how well you did the first time around, because you'll likely improve. For example, I received a 31 on the ACT the first time around, but I still took it again, and scored a 33.

(I bombed on the SAT. It was an easy decision).

Good luck on your applications and testing. If you have any questions about the process, or any questions about the tests, please register a Newsvine account and drop a comment below, and I will be happy to answer it- within hours of you asking.

You can also email me, leafydebater@gmail.com, though I don't check this often so don't expect a reply for at least a few days.