A short essay on the true purpose of the internet- received an A+ for this

Prompt: What is the true purpose of the World Wide Web? Use the data sets provided to support your thesis.

I cannot comment as to life before 1993, as I was not even an idea during the internet's first few years of life. I hear tales of stone tools, makeshift communities, knights on horseback, and people setting sail in massive wooden ships, yearning for new lands and peoples. All of these are mere rumors to me, but sure, they must have some merit.

It was a simple time to live, I hear. There was no privacy-stealing Facebook, no troll-cave 4chan, and- wait for it- no intelligent, left-leaning Newsvine. Therefore it must have been a shock for the residents of this country and this globe when, two years later, they put down their spears and picked up their trackball-operated mice and began what we now call the World Wide Web (WWW).

The WWW changed the way the world operated, creating new tools for governments, corporations, and citizens alike. For the first time in history, communication between any two points on earth was instantaneous. Individuals could form connections with others from separate cultures, speaking different languages, without ever meeting face to face. And life in general became faster and faster paced. No longer was a day counted in hours, or minutes, but seconds and fractions of seconds.

The original intent of the internet was to create a way for scientists to share collected data with one another from multiple locations. The intent evolved when ordinary civilians were first granted access to this new platform, and thus it became a giant bulletin board for all to express their views publicly. Given a bit more time, code, and structure, and you had a primitive form of what we use today. The intent of such form was to connect individuals to each other virtually and instantaneously through chats, e-mail, and forum discussions.

The intent of the internet was not to re-create everyday life, nor replace it. However as the years have passed it has done exactly that. It has become a second life for us, considered a necessity by some nations and groups of people, alongside food, water, and shelter. Teenagers cannot go an hour without their phones, workers check facebook when no one is watching, and young children now incorporate it into their daily lives, with games and learning websites.

However, the intent and true purpose of the internet is still not to replace everyday life, nor is it to form an interconnected planet. Upon examination of the data sets [below], a theory can be formed about the true purpose of today's World Wide Web.

(For Newsvine purposes only, a short summary of data sets)

Data set A: Connectivity of our planet. In plain english, beginning at one random individual, the minimum number of relationships you would have to cross to reach any other random individual.

Data set B: DJIA closing numbers, 1992-2012

Data set C: Average time on internet, chart breakdown by country

Data set D: Global conflict map, 1992-2012

Data set E: Top 10 websites by traffic each year, 1992-2012

Data set F: Median income of US, 15 European nations, Canada, China, Argentina, Russia, South Korea, and Japan, 1992-present

The examination of all data sets leads to a conclusion that the internet's true purpose can be broken down into three different segments:

1. Promoting the public display of videos of domesticated members of the feline species using mind-control and voodoo to gain power over the human race, also known as "cheezburgers" (Data set C)

2. The examination and media coverage of idiotic tweets made by celebrities and politicians. (Data set D)

3. Recording the accelerating regression of the human race through a revolving door of embarrassing internet memes (Data set E)

Now we can examine how the data sets support this theory:

1. Promoting the public display of domesticated felines: To give a short history, several thousand years ago members of the small, domesticated feline race began showing signs of intelligence along the Nile River, quickly surpassing human abilities in mental stages of development. Their most brilliant minds found themselves in the company of the Pharaoh, where they practiced voodoo and other forms of magic in order to get humans to obey them, take care of them, and paint inaccurate pictures of them on their final resting places. This practice was contained, silenced, and ultimately forgotten about due to the lack of publicity that felines received. The invention and popularity of the internet, however, allowed for felines to gain the exposure they had long lacked. According to data set C, the average time on the internet increased exponentially from 1992 to 2010, then increased slightly from 2010 to 2012. The breakdown shows that time spent using email and other social networking sites did not increase at the same rate as the overall use, leaving a gap. If we allow for news-reading and... other activities, the gap closes slightly but remains. The only task that internet users perform regularly but is not included so far is cat video-watching. Using this to fill the data set shows that the average time spent watching cat videos has increased regularly from 1997-2012.

2. Coverage of idiotic celebrity tweets: One of the many positive consequences of the rise of the World Wide Web is an individual's ability to acquire large amounts of data with relatively little trouble. Using Twitter's tracking platform, we are able to see many controversial tweets by public figures since the launch of the website. Comparing that data to Data set D shows that many global conflicts align with said tweets. A conclusion can then be derived from the data that suicide bombers in Yemen do not blow themselves up because of their faith or jihad, but because Donald Trump questioned the authenticity of Barack Obama's birth certificate yet again.

3. Recording the regression of the human race: Humans were once incredibly intelligent as a population, with rapid advances in science, astronomy, medicine, technology, and more. Since the rise of the internet, its negative impact on the evolution of the human race has been staggering. Humans once moved from modern invention to modern invention. With the internet, that trend was reversed, and currently humans move from stupid internet meme to stupid internet meme. Planking, owling, batmaning, coning, milking, Tebowing, Bradying, "Call Me Maybe" dance covers, porting, and the latest craze: The Harlem Shake. With each movement, the number of brain cells required to complete each activity reduces by 22%. The theory that each craze reduces the overall intelligence of our species is supported by Data set E, which shows the annual top websites by traffic. In the beginning, humans visited e-mail, scientific forums, and news sites. That list has changed with newcomers like 9gag, 4chan, Reddit, Facebook, Twitter, and the Tea Party website.

The ultimate purpose of the internet is not for scientific reasons or human evolution. In fact, the effect it brings is exactly the opposite. While it is widely believed that it has become a necessary part of daily life, caution must be taken by people, corporations, and governments to halt the mass suicide of brain cells across the globe. For as long as the internet advances and grows in complexity and size, the memes will continue, the tweets will continue and the cats will ultimately achieve their goal of global domination.

This essay was given the following grades:

4Chan: 98%

Reddit: 97%

Random internet forum: 99%

Overall grade: 98%, A+